Are There Any Places Sex Doesn’t Happen?

Dear E. Jean:I’ve made some mistakes in my life and would like to avoid situations where sex usually ends up occurring. Can you think of any places where sex doesn’t happen?

Yes. On the medal stand at the Olympics when you’re singing “The Star-Spangled Banner,” and, if you choose the wrong person, in your bedroom after you’re married.

This letter is from the E. Jean archive.

LoveWoo Is Hiring a Sex Toy Reviewer

1950s SMILING HAPPY GLEEFUL WOMAN WAKING UP GETTING OUT OF BED FLINGING BACK SHEETS AND BLANKETS

Steve Jobs once said “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.” It is with that in mind that we should all apply for this job to be a Sex Toy Reviewer.

Sex toy company LoveWoo has posted a new job based in London, that pays £28,000 to test their new products. Duties include writing and producing video reviews of products, writing features for the site, and, most importantly, “Test a variety of products you receive from LoveWoo.”

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The whole job sounds like a perk, but the extra perks include getting to work from home two days a week (where else are you going to try out these products), unlimited vacation, and a three day staff retreat every year.

ELLE.com has reached out to LoveWoo about, we assume, the massive influx of applications for this dream job, but they tweeted that they’ve been “overwhelmed” with the response. Anyway, brb, researching how hard it is to move to London.

How To Have Sex In A Car

After listening to a Tony Robbins audiobook one day in Los Angeles about how to be the most extreme version of me, I decided to break the Guinness World Record for Longest Journey By Car In A Single Country, which took 36,123 miles sleeping in my Subaru Outback for 122 days with my girlfriend (at the time). So, believe me when I say that I understand sex in a car can be complicated. And if done incorrectly, that wonderful moment of first-date lust can morph into a three-week foot-cramp. There are many challenges—lumpy backseats, lack of privacy, incompatible clothing and, more dangerously, cops. So how do you do it safely? For the automobile-curious out there, here’s a guide to having road trip sex comfortably, enjoyably, and legally (because yes, you can get arrested).

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Memorize the Most Pleasurable Positions (For the Both of You)

There are ways to make use of the awkward space a car provides. Let’s say you want to do The Blinded Driver position (and yes, I made that name up). This is where there’s one person in the driver’s seat, facing forward, and the other is on their lap, reverse cowgirl-style, also facing forward. Whomever is in the top position should grip that steering wheel and thrust down, using the wheel to sway your hips from side to side while pushing yourself down onto your partner with fire and fury. This is how you can use a seemingly useless and inconvenient car-part to apply extra pressure and steer (sorry) your partner in any direction you want. The bottom partner can make use of the steering wheel as well. Just grab it and pull yourself closer to your partner thrice as hard. The person on top can also place their palms against the roof of the car and push down from the ceiling to switch the direction of pressure!

The same principle applies for the car doors. Whether you’re laying down in the front or back, use the car door to push in from one side and keep the pillows on the other to protect your partner’s head. See where I’m going with this? You’re in a tight space, so make use of the pressure points for better sex! Steering wheel, car doors, ceiling and window (if you’re on your stomach).

Are you getting tired of having sex in the car? Because you can also have sex on the car. Utilize the trunk! Just pop the back, lay your towels down over your luggage, cover the towels with your blanket, cozy it up with the pillows, and bend over. You’ll use the popped trunk to hide yourself from view, and whoever’s doing the fucking, you can even use the hinge of your trunk door or the trunk door itself as a bedframe to pull yourself in as far inside as possible, but be careful not to injure yourselves.

Avoid Tinted Windows

Every state has a limit on the amount of tint you’re allowed to have on your windows. So, if you plan on driving through multiple states, some don’t allow for any tint at all and you’re sure to get pulled over. Even if you don’t get pulled over, you’ll simply stand out far too much when parked. If a cop happens to roll by the deserted desert road off Highway 50 while you’re positioning yourself for higher living, you’ll still be half-naked when you get that tap on the passenger-side window. Ideally, use a car with NO tints, or if you do have tints, know your state tint-limits so you know which states are sex-safe zones.

Use Sex-Curtains

You’ll still need privacy, so get some Velcro and some fabric from your local arts and crafts store. Cut up rectangular slabs that match the height and width of each of your windows. Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off. It’s like having a slip-on shoe, but it’s a slip-on sex curtain. Now, whenever you’ve found a safe spot, attach your curtains with the Velcro for privacy. When the mitzvah is done, rip those curtains off and get out of there.

Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off.

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Utilize Natural Barriers

There are generally big piles of gravel and sand and cement every hundred or so miles off the side of the highway. You’ve probably driven by them ten million times and never cared to wonder what they might have to offer. These make great barriers and will hide you from view without drawing any attention. Nobody will even see your car, so you can always pull off and bang behind the sand.

Our Sex Life Is Always Only About Him!

Dear E. Jean: Today I got incredibly mad at my boyfriend when he asked for sexy pics to “tide [him] over” till we see each other tomorrow. It’s not the idea of pictures that got me worked up, but the fact that our sex life has become increasingly about him meeting his desires. I feel like an animated blow-up doll. I want romance! I want a compliment! I want foreplay! I want him to take time! I want him to actually kiss me! The few occasions I’ve broached the subject, he’s rebuffed me in a teasing manner. So now I feel uncomfortable even bringing it up. How do I get him to become conscious of my needs in the bedroom? —This Doll Is About To Blow Up

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About, My Darling: Let’s make a list of what your boyfriend is or is not doing and come up with ways to get him to do the right thing.

1. He can’t end a sentence without asking you for a topless selfie. Tell him you’ll be delighted to show him anything he wishes (and some fascinating things he hasn’t even thought of), but first, he must give you three compliments. Then do not budge until he hails you as the queen of all women.

2. He can’t romance. Haul the tedious blockhead out of the house and go camping, dancing, roller-coaster riding, etc. This will bathe his brain circuits in dopamine and norepinephrine, the very neurotransmitters that cause the butterflies to flit in first love. Hell, just going outside and turning a somersault can flutter the buggers.

3. He can’t kiss. At the next party you both attend, play Kissing Charades: Each couple acts out a famous movie kiss; the couple who gets the most correct guesses wins (and will find the make-out pump is well primed).

4. He doesn’t take his time. Here’s the rule: No wham-bam until he thanks you, ma’am. He must entertain you with fancy caresses for 15 minutes before you even consider taking off your clothes, and every woman knows that keeping her clothes on and rolling around on the bed with a cute person is sometimes sexier than taking her clothes off.

5. Skip numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4, and tell him exactly what you think. The dude is not all-powerful. The less seriously you take him, the better. You say you feel “uncomfortable even bringing it up”? You say he “rebuffs” you? Ha! Shout at him! Pelt him with epithets! “You worthless oaf-boy! You self- aggrandizing, bush-league premature ejaculator! Floppo! Dud! Rookie! Bumbler! Botcher of orgasms!” Tell him what you want. “I want long, slow, dirty, life-destroying foreplay, and I’m bored, bored, bored with you!”

This is only half of what you’ll yell when you finally decide you’ve had enough and leave him. But why wait? Why not tell him immediately? Why not recognize that he’s just a fragile, selfish, thoughtless, rather silly fellow who probably doesn’t even know that if you enjoy sex, he’ll enjoy more sex? Why give up years of delicious, teeth-grinding pleasure because you’re afraid to speak up? He can take it. Tell him the truth, straight out.

Broad City Sex Toys – Broad City and Lovehoney Release a Line of Adult Toys

BROAD CITY MADE THEIR OWN SEX TOYS

On one of my favorite episodes of Broad City, Abbi calls Ilana for advice. Her date, Jeremy, as just asked her to peg him, and she doesn’t know what to do. When I first watched it, I panicked. Though I knew the show was sex-positive and inclusive, I worried this would become an easy vehicle for gay panic jokes. Of course, Broad City wouldn’t do me like that. “This is a dream come true!” Ilana chirps.

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So maybe it’s no surprise that Broad City now has their own line of sex toys.

In a collaboration with sex toy retailer Lovehoney, Broad City has released a line of 14 sex toys, many of which reference the show. There’s the “pegasus” pegging kit, the lipstick vibrator in a mint green color Ilana has worn on the show, the “man on a mission” sleeve masturbator, and the “nature’s pocket” kegel balls, which unscrew to double as a place to hide your stash like Ilana has done on the show.

Broad City sex toys 2

Lovehoney

Lovehoney co-founder Neal Slateford told ELLE.com that, while they’ve partnered with bands like Motley Crue and the film Fifty Shades of Grey, this is the first time he knows of that a TV show has wanted to release a line of sex toys. But, given how often sex and masturbation is discussed on the show, it makes sense.

And, similar to Fifty Shades of Grey, he’s hoping that the line can help reach people who are curious about sex toys but don’t know where to start. “We know we have these ‘considerers,’ and they need something to give them permission to buy a sex toy. For the younger demographic, this is it. Two years ago, for a slightly older demographic, it was Fifty Shades of Grey. That gave a load of middle aged women permission to say ‘Yes I will go buy some nipple clamps.” Broad City is a younger demographic, but it’s giving them permission to try.”

Broad City

Lovehoney

Shows like Broad City have certainly promoted an open conversation about sex and sexuality, but according to Slateford, “it’s a reflection of what’s going on instead of them setting the agenda.” Sex toys are mainstream. They’re sold alongside condoms and crowdfunded on Kickstarter. The assumption for many young women is not if you use one, but which ones you use. But what Broad City does so well is normalize a range of sexual experiences. Women don’t just have to be into vibrators and dildos. They can get excited about butt plugs, pegging, and kegel balls.

Which means we may be seeing more branded sex toys in the future. “There is more and more interest from mainstream celebrities in getting into this category,” said Slateford. “When I started to go to licensing shows five to six years ago, nobody wanted to talk to me.”

Worst Sex Advice Ever on Reddit

I got the worst sex advice of my life from an older girl at school—you know, the kind of seemingly experienced girl who smoked cigarettes and answered pressing questions from middle-schoolers, like “What’s a blow job?” One of her gems pertained to making a man feel sexy. She advised squeezing his biceps during a hook-up, “so he feels strong.”

Once I got the chance, I regularly employed this tip, clamping onto my college boyfriend’s arms like a desperate, sexy crab. I thought I was being smooth. But a month into our relationship, while joking around, he did an impression of me and started grabbing at my arms. I was caught.

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Sex advice is difficult territory, because everyone’s different. Maybe someone out there would have loved my arm-grabbing moves, but this guy definitely didn’t. However, there is some sex advice so bad, so baffling, that absolutely no one should listen to it. And these days, rather than taking questionable tips from a bad-girl elder as gospel, people can turn to the internet to verify any odd-sounding suggestions.

More specifically, on Reddit, people have been very open about the worst sex advice they have ever received. We’ve scoured the examples to bring you some of the worst, most horrific tips that people shared on the site. Just promise us you won’t listen to any of this? Okay, good.

“‘If you sleep with more than 5 guys, you’re going to wake up one morning when you’re 35 and hate yourself.’ —my mom to 16-year-old me.”

Teenagers often hear this kind of slut-shamey advice—especially teenage girls. And maybe it has come true for some people. But you know what’s probably making those 35-year-olds hate themselves? A culture that tells women their value lies in virginity and sexual “purity” rather than encouraging them to make their own informed choices about who—and how many people—they sleep with.

“Pee inside the girl after you finish, but before you pull out so you don’t have to use a condom. The ammonia in your urine will neutralize the sperm.”

Oh my god. No. This is not how chemicals or sperm or bodies work. First of all, Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. told Buzzfeed that urinating into a vagina could lead to infection. Planned Parenthood does not seem to believe that urine works as a spermicide and explains that, even if it did, “once the semen goes into the vagina, there’s nothing you can do to get it back out again.” So, once more, for those at the back: This is not a valid form of birth control.

“His explanation was that he didn’t know it was also frustrating for a woman to have all that build up without a release. He didn’t know sex doesn’t end after the man cums.”

Here’s one man’s excuse for stopping sex as soon as he had an orgasm, to the chagrin of his wife. On its own, this isn’t advice per se—rather, it’s evidence of a guy who has either received very bad advice or no advice at all. Who told him this? And why haven’t they been sent to sex jail yet?

“Never make the first move. Or the second. Or the third. Guys will think you’re desperate.”

Unfortunately, this is another common piece of advice for girls, since they’re often told that the worst thing they can be is someone who wants sex. Of course, nobody should have to make the first move if they’re uncomfortable! But how many women have bailed on potential partners or experiences out of fear that they’ll be seen as wanting something? Probably quite a few.

“Had an Army buddy tell me he tests whether a girl has an STD or not by fingering her with ear wax on his finger. He said if it caused her pain, she had one.”

Someone else in this thread said that a different person in the army had given him exactly the same advice, so what the hell is going on in the army? Please do not do this, especially without letting the woman know first. And a far easier way to figure out would be to get tested and just talk about your sexual histories beforehand. Imagine!

“Bite the clit”

No. Nope. Unless someone requests it, don’t bite anything—but especially not genitalia.

“My friend was telling me about a time she went to a cute guy’s place to hook up. While on his bed with minimal clothing, he licks his hand and slaps her vag. It killed the mood for her, and she left.”

Another one from the Who Told You This Files. Porn and bad manners are likely to blame for this. Of course, there are people out there who would probably enjoy this manoeuvre! But unless someone explicitly says, “Hey babe, I’d love it if you licked your hand and slapped my vulva,” maybe just assume they don’t want you to do that.

“Pop rocks + blow job = never again”

Yeast Infection city.

Best Sex Toys On Amazon

Happy National Orgasm Day! If you didn’t know that was a thing, that’s ok. I prefer to live every day like it’s National Orgasm Day.

Between this and International Women’s Orgasm Day next week, the Gods of Random Holidays really want to make you aware of the state of your orgasmic life. Which is good! There’s an orgasm gap, and heterosexual women report having the fewest orgasms with their partners. Women are often taught to put men’s sexual pleasure first. And even if your partner isn’t a man, hey, we could all use more orgasms. Here are some of the best sex toys available on Amazon right now. Treat yo’ self.