E. Jean Life Advice – Late Night Hook Up Advice

Dear E. Jean: What’s the club etiquette when an attractive guy moves in close and starts petting my hips 10 minutes after he introduces himself to me? I’m not a prude, but I’d like to at least know a guy before he feels me up! Should I tell him off? I’ve tried both ways: Recently when it happened, I told the guy, “Keep your hands to yourself!” and he lost interest. And when a second guy did it, I pretended his hands weren’t on me and he stayed interested. What should I do?

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After-Hours Etiquette Girl

After-Hours, Girl: Piffle! You don’t go to clubs for the “etiquette.” You go to clubs to be playful. You go to clubs to be daring. You go to clubs to be indecorous in the dark.

Of course, if a dude starts plucking at you like you’re a viola, fie! fie! Give him a knee in the groin. But if you like a lad? And he shoots his arm about you and starts playing patty-cake on your posterior? Reach around, clasp his hand, smile into his eyes, pull his hand off, and—hold it. Entwine your fingers with his. This move is so disarming, it’s practically kinky.

But really now, come on. If a chap in a club doesn’t put his arm around you, nestle in to you rakishly like he’s leaning on a golf club, drop his voice, talk the most ridiculous nonsense, and run his hand up and down your back so expertly that you discover, when you stagger outside into the moonlight at 2:30 a.m., that you are no longer wearing a bra, then that chap is not—just a moment! Who says it’s always a chap? If you get a chance to kiss a soft, fragrant girl, do it. You may not get the opportunity again.

This letter is from the E. Jean archive.

Ask E. Jean – The Get-A-Husband Scheme

Dear E. Jean : I may have just ruined my life for a man. He’s a partner at a white-shoe law firm, with an apartment on Fifth Avenue and a house in the Hamptons. When we first started seeing each other, I was a lawyer in Indianapolis, and we spent a couple of weekends together every month. I realized quickly that nothing would happen for us unless I moved to New York, so I found a position with a Manhattan firm I hated, got an apartment, and now unfortunately, things are taking a turn for the worse.

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Item: He won’t give me the keys to his apartment. Item: He’s constantly overbooked with work commitments. Item: He won’t discuss marriage. Item: He doesn’t respect me intellectually. (For example: I’ll suggest a strategy for one of his cases and he’ll say, “That’s why you’re not a—name of his prestigious firm—attorney.”) Item: We went away to a gorgeous Caribbean island for vacation, and I overheard him describing our romantic trip as “a bit dull and claustrophobic.” (I felt like I’d been stabbed!) Item: He’s very close with a beautiful female associate in his firm who has two Ivy League degrees with honors, a prestigious clerkship with a judge, etc.—stuff I never had a hope of getting. Item: The last time he answered his cell phone (I was calling to congratulate him on winning a case in Texas), he barked, “This has to be E___ [my name] calling, because no one else could possibly be this annoying!” E. Jean, I love him! I want him! I want kids before it’s too late! What do I do?—Not in Indiana Anymore

Indiana, Hunny: Item: I don’t like the bugger. I don’t like his unkindness. But if you want him (do you really?), get on with your career; take up a brutal, competitive sport (kayaking, rock-climbing, handball) wherein you beat the tar out of the conceited lout (this will gain his respect, not to mention moving nicer, newer men across your path); lash together a circle of New York friends; don’t call him; don’t text him; don’t suggest plans; never mention marriage; don’t scheme—and absolutely no scenes. Chances are still 99 percent against you, but there’s a one percent sliver of a half-assed hope he’ll come around. By then, of course, he won’t fit into your intriguing new life.

This letter is from the E. Jean archive.

E. Jean Relationship Advice – Throwing a Big Wedding

Dear E. Jean: I’m engaged. He comes from old money—and all the dust that comes with it. We are planning on having a child, but first we must marry or the child won’t be eligible to receive the family inheritance governed by a trust drawn up more than a century ago.

My boyfriend does not like weddings. (He called off a previous engagement because he was traumatized by the over-the-top nuptial arrangements.) He’s the sweetest man in the world, but when I bring up the subject, he will not cooperate, and asks, “Can’t we please just go to the courthouse?”

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We both love big parties, balls, traveling to beautiful places, and dressing in fine clothes, so I don’t see why I can’t change his mind about a wedding. Should I just give in and go to the courthouse? —There Goes the Bride

Bride, You Attractive Young Fathead: Auntie Eeee is clutching her brow.

Here we have a chap—”the sweetest man in the world,” who has inherited sacks of old money and wishes to get hitched—and you want to “change his mind”? A big wedding, forsooth!

Hell, Reader, I will marry him, if you don’t.

Stop jabbering about bells and churches. Pay attention to what this excellent man is saying. Remember that this is his wedding too, and get thee to the courthouse. I believe that the two of you—although you will be absolutely stinking rich—have as great a chance at happiness and all the domestic blessings as anyone.

P.S. You may start planning your three-year-anniversary party with your 467-
person guest list, Jamie Oliver catering, vow-renewal officiated by Rihanna, etc. when you return from your honeymoon.

This letter is from the E. Jean archive.

Girl Code Rules – E. Jean Tips

Dear E. Jean: Can you clarify the Girl Code? I’ve been finding myself in some questionable situations over the past couple of years that somehow or other always come down to potential violations of the Girl Code. I may be out of it—I’m 28; you’d think I’d have a clue—but what are the rules among girlfriends? What lines shouldn’t be crossed? —Totally Frustrated

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Miss Totally, My Truffle: A crone of 28 should be too experienced to follow anything called the “Girl Code.” Here’s the BLC—Basic Lady Code: Never hate a woman you’ve never met, never date a friend’s ex, never reveal another female’s secret, never leave an inebriated friend alone at a bar, never invite a friend’s enemy to a party, never dine alone with a friend’s boyfriend (unless it’s his last meal and he’s being shot at dawn).

So much for the elemental stuff; as for those famous “lines” that “shouldn’t be crossed” by girlfriends, here’s the AWC—Advanced Woman Code:

• Never stay silent when a friend is falling for an asshole.

• Never favorite a best friend’s bon mot. Always retweet it.

• Never trust a girlfriend who dates a married man.

• Never refuse to write a recommendation for the offspring of a friend (no matter how big an idiot the kid is).

• Never steal your friend’s thunder at a dinner party—when she’s on, give her room! Pound the table! Bang your glass with a spoon! Laugh the loudest at her story!

• Never give your friend’s business four stars on Yelp. Always give five.

• Never agree when a friend says she’s flabby, baggy, saggy, lumpy, floppy, veiny, squishy, scrawny, etc., etc. Tell her to shut up. Tell her life is too short. Tell her to eat, drink, and be merry. And finally…

• Never treat other women disrespectfully: It gives men ideas.

This letter is from the E. Jean archive.

Dressing Up for Boyfriend – E. Jean Advice on Putting Effort in Appearance Once You’re in a Relationship

Dear E. Jean: My boyfriend asks why I don’t dress up like I once did. He says he longs for “the good old days” when I showed I cared about him. But the truth is, I’m just so comfortable with him that I feel I can be myself. E. Jean, must I put on a dress and mascara?

E. Jean: Yes, you must. You’ll look great in the dress. He’ll feel great that you dressed up, and nothing will be as great as you both coming home together and putting on your old pajamas.

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