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After listening to a Tony Robbins audiobook one day in Los Angeles about how to be the most extreme version of me, I decided to break the Guinness World Record for Longest Journey By Car In A Single Country, which took 36,123 miles sleeping in my Subaru Outback for 122 days with my girlfriend (at the time). So, believe me when I say that I understand sex in a car can be complicated. And if done incorrectly, that wonderful moment of first-date lust can morph into a three-week foot-cramp. There are many challenges—lumpy backseats, lack of privacy, incompatible clothing and, more dangerously, cops. So how do you do it safely? For the automobile-curious out there, here’s a guide to having road trip sex comfortably, enjoyably, and legally (because yes, you can get arrested).
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Memorize the Most Pleasurable Positions (For the Both of You)
There are ways to make use of the awkward space a car provides. Let’s say you want to do The Blinded Driver position (and yes, I made that name up). This is where there’s one person in the driver’s seat, facing forward, and the other is on their lap, reverse cowgirl-style, also facing forward. Whomever is in the top position should grip that steering wheel and thrust down, using the wheel to sway your hips from side to side while pushing yourself down onto your partner with fire and fury. This is how you can use a seemingly useless and inconvenient car-part to apply extra pressure and steer (sorry) your partner in any direction you want. The bottom partner can make use of the steering wheel as well. Just grab it and pull yourself closer to your partner thrice as hard. The person on top can also place their palms against the roof of the car and push down from the ceiling to switch the direction of pressure!
The same principle applies for the car doors. Whether you’re laying down in the front or back, use the car door to push in from one side and keep the pillows on the other to protect your partner’s head. See where I’m going with this? You’re in a tight space, so make use of the pressure points for better sex! Steering wheel, car doors, ceiling and window (if you’re on your stomach).
Are you getting tired of having sex in the car? Because you can also have sex on the car. Utilize the trunk! Just pop the back, lay your towels down over your luggage, cover the towels with your blanket, cozy it up with the pillows, and bend over. You’ll use the popped trunk to hide yourself from view, and whoever’s doing the fucking, you can even use the hinge of your trunk door or the trunk door itself as a bedframe to pull yourself in as far inside as possible, but be careful not to injure yourselves.
Avoid Tinted Windows
Every state has a limit on the amount of tint you’re allowed to have on your windows. So, if you plan on driving through multiple states, some don’t allow for any tint at all and you’re sure to get pulled over. Even if you don’t get pulled over, you’ll simply stand out far too much when parked. If a cop happens to roll by the deserted desert road off Highway 50 while you’re positioning yourself for higher living, you’ll still be half-naked when you get that tap on the passenger-side window. Ideally, use a car with NO tints, or if you do have tints, know your state tint-limits so you know which states are sex-safe zones.
You’ll still need privacy, so get some Velcro and some fabric from your local arts and crafts store. Cut up rectangular slabs that match the height and width of each of your windows. Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off. It’s like having a slip-on shoe, but it’s a slip-on sex curtain. Now, whenever you’ve found a safe spot, attach your curtains with the Velcro for privacy. When the mitzvah is done, rip those curtains off and get out of there.
Yes, we’re making curtains that Velcro on and Velcro off.
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Utilize Natural Barriers
There are generally big piles of gravel and sand and cement every hundred or so miles off the side of the highway. You’ve probably driven by them ten million times and never cared to wonder what they might have to offer. These make great barriers and will hide you from view without drawing any attention. Nobody will even see your car, so you can always pull off and bang behind the sand.
Happy Fourth of July! Doing anything fun for the weekend? Like, for instance, getting into a car with your significant other tonight to drive somewhere with a beach or some beautiful nature…just like everybody else? And then you’re idling on I-95 for hours, you’re out of podcasts, and one of you is quietly seething that if you’d just taken 78 West you could have avoided most of this traffic, even though it looked longer on the map, and you always ruin things you never listen to me I hate you.
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We’ve all been there, and while getting into fights is something that happens to all couples, they’re particularly annoying if you are stuck in a metal box in the middle of the highway with no bathrooms in sight. Traffic can’t be avoided, but with some planning and emotional honesty, maybe your fight can be.
Samantha Burns, a relationship counselor and dating coach, says it’s no surprise fights happen in the car. “Traffic can be a stressful and anxiety-inducing situation, especially if you’re the driver and splitting your mental attention between the road and your partner,” she told ELLE.com. Stress makes your brain go into fight-or-flight mode, and instead of being able to take a walk or do something else to calm yourself down, when you’re stuck in a car “you’re left with engaging in the argument or ignoring your partner, which can be just as damaging.”
The thing is, long car rides can also be wonderful times to reconnect, whether it’s with deep conversations or listening to albums or podcasts you both enjoy. And ultimately, we never stop being children who need games and toys and songs to distract us from how little control we have over the world around us. Pick out books on tape to listen to in advance, bring a crossword puzzle and call out the questions, or play the same games you played as a kid. “It sounds silly, but can be a good distraction from the mundane scenery or tense conversations, and will get you into a playful state of mind,” says Burns. “It’s also important to pack plenty of snacks and water since hunger can get the best of you, and it’s never fun to deal with a hangry partner.”
“It’s also important to pack plenty of snacks and water since hunger can get the best of you, and it’s never fun to deal with a hangry partner.”
Unfortunately, the best-laid plans, etc., etc. You may yet run out of snacks, or reach the end of your playlist, or entered a slightly wrong address into your phone only to discover you’ve been driving for an hour in the wrong direction. At home you can yell, go to a different room and take a breather, and then revisit the conversation with clearer heads. But you don’t have the luxury of a door here, so you need to be proactive if you feel you’re about to snap.
As always, safety first. Fighting and driving is a recipe for disaster, so pull over if you need to. But no matter what, “take a mental pause and rate your current frustration on a scale from 1 to 10. If you’re over a 5, you could be approaching an explosion or shutting down and ignoring your partner,” Burns says.
If that’s the case, say so. “It’s essential to communicate that you’re feeling overwhelmed and need a few moments to calm down so that you can really listen and respond without the conversation escalating.” Don’t just shut down and pretend everything is fine until you’re both so stressed from the tension that the fight is 10 times worse than it should have been. What? Who does that? Not me, never.
Once you’ve communicated that you’re overwhelmed, cool off by listening to some music (Burns suggests a comedy album or podcast to shift the mood), or talking about experiences you’ve shared that make you feel connected, like “the first time you slept together, your wedding day, or the epic vacations you’ve taken together.”
A lot of the frustrations that lead us to snap at each other during long car rides are out of our control. We can’t make the traffic move faster. We can’t catch the ferry we missed. We can’t suddenly be somewhere else where there are no outside stressors. Admit you’re frustrated and that things aren’t perfect, and see what you can do to make things better for the moment. And honestly, just buy that extra pack of string cheese before you leave. It’ll be worth it.